Unforgettable Quotes from a Comedy Legend

1. I’m not a vegetarian because I love animals, I’m a vegetarian because I hate plants. – A Comedy Legend

2. I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already. – A Comedy Legend

3. Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. – A Comedy Legend

4. I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender. – A Comedy Legend

5. I’m not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb… and I also know that I’m not blonde. – A Comedy Legend

6. I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table. – A Comedy Legend

7. I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something. – A Comedy Legend

8. I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand. – A Comedy Legend

9. A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. – A Comedy Legend

10. I don’t have a bank account because I don’t know my mother’s maiden name. – A Comedy Legend

11. I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done. – A Comedy Legend

12. My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too. – A Comedy Legend

13. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. – A Comedy Legend

14. I’m not a real movie star. I’ve still got the same wife I started out with. – A Comedy Legend

15. My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn’t need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle. – A Comedy Legend

16. My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. – A Comedy Legend

17. I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort. – A Comedy Legend

18. I told my kids, ‘Someday, you’ll have kids of your own.’ One of them said, ‘So will you.’ – A Comedy Legend

1. Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth. – Phyllis Diller
2. I intend to live forever. So far, so good. – Steven Wright
3. You can’t have everything… where would you put it? – Steven Wright
4. A day without laughter is a day wasted. – Charlie Chaplin
5. I’m not crazy. My reality is just different than yours. – Bill Hicks
6. A clear conscience is a sure sign of a bad memory. – Mark Twain
7. I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying. – Oscar Wilde
8. I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception. – Groucho Marx
9. I’m not a comedian. I’m a troublemaker. I am not a prophet. I am a humorist. – George Carlin
10. Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else. – Margaret Mead
11. If I had to live my life over again, I would have made a rule to read some poetry and listen to some music at least once every week. – Charles Darwin
12. Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to someone else. – Will Rogers
13. Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves? – Robin Williams
14. The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up. – Mark Twain
15. We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don’t know. – W. H. Auden
16. If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans. – Woody Allen
17. To succeed in life, you need two things: ignorance and confidence. – Mark Twain
18. Life is hard. After all, it kills you. – Katharine Hepburn

1. A day without laughter is a day wasted. – Charlie Chaplin
2. Life is a tragedy when seen in close-up, but a comedy in long-shot. – Charlie Chaplin
3. The only way to get through life is to laugh your way through it. You either have to laugh or cry. I prefer to laugh. – Joan Rivers
4. I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. – Rita Rudner
5. Just keep laughing. That’s the key to a long and happy life. – Lucille Ball
6. Behind every successful woman is a substantial amount of coffee. – Sarah Jessica Parker
7. I’m not crazy about reality, but it’s still the only place to find a decent meal. – Groucho Marx
8. The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it. – Franklin P. Jones
9. I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something. – unknown
10. I saw a sign that said ‘Watch for children’ and I thought, ‘That sounds like a fair trade.’ – Bill Hicks
11. The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly. – Demetri Martin
12. The easiest way to teach children the value of money is to borrow some from them. – unknown
13. I like rice. Rice is great if you’re hungry and want 2000 of something. – Mich Ehrenreich
14. I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender. – Rodney Dangerfield
15. My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. – Rodney Dangerfield
16. I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry. – Rita Rudner
17. I date this girl for two years and then the nagging starts: ‘I wanna know your name…’ – Mike Binder
18. I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception. – Groucho Marx

1. Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die. – Mel Brooks

2. It’s good to be the king. – Mel Brooks

3. Hope for the best, expect the worst. The world’s a stage, we’re unrehearsed. – Mel Brooks

4. Comedy is the ability to make people laugh without making them puke. – Mel Brooks

5. Humor is just another defense against the universe. – Mel Brooks

6. As long as the world is turning and spinning, we’re gonna be dizzy and we’re gonna make mistakes. – Mel Brooks

7. Tragedy is when I stub my toe. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die. – Mel Brooks

8. I don’t think of myself as a poor deprived ghetto girl who made good. I think of myself as somebody who from an early age knew I was responsible for myself, and I had to make good. – Mel Brooks

9. A day without laughter is a day wasted. – Mel Brooks

10. There’s only one rule in the theatre, keep the audience awake. – Mel Brooks

11. I was a kid, and I couldn’t have been more than four or five years old, and my mom said to me, ‘The sky’s the limit.’ My dad said, ‘Boy, you’re gonna be a disappointment.’ – Mel Brooks

12. Look, I don’t want to wax philosophic, but I will say that if you’re alive, you’ve got to flap your arms and legs, you’ve got to jump around a lot, for life is the very opposite of death, and therefore you must at very least think noisy and colorfully, or you’re not alive. – Mel Brooks

13. I’ve been accused of vulgarity. I say that’s bullshit. – Mel Brooks

14. If God wanted us to walk around naked, he wouldn’t have invented the fing tailor. – Mel Brooks

15. If you’re quiet, you’re not living. You’ve got to be noisy and colorful and lively. – Mel Brooks

16. Everything we learn about the world, whether it’s through art, science, or philosophy, adds new words to the only language we know, the inarticulate language of the unconscious. – Mel Brooks

17. Life literally abounds in comedy if we just look around us. – Mel Brooks

18. It’s not a good idea to put your wife into a movie. – Mel Brooks